India!? The truth: I don’t know

Published: December 22, 2017

It’s weird, it’s very weird. That was my first day in India. I felt strange about it. I was not shocked and I acknowledge it’s part of the system, it’s how it is. But still, I felt weird. Tomorrow it’s the last day of this first term of studies in India, almost the end of part one of this adventure, dream, bunjee jumping. I can’t sleep, normal. I went through my journal and I am analyzing, analyzing. Now this is not even there. It doesn’t feel weired. It just doesn’t feel. It‘s normality, total normality and I have no feeling about it. And, I don’t even know if it’s bad or not. Yesterday I was walking back from school and I’ve stopped for a while talking to a lady. She and her son were living there, on the walking pathway of a big street, under a tree. She was cooking chapati and she offered me one. I didn’t accept since I had just taken my lunch and I don’t need more diharea. This morning I have passed by her ‘place’ while going to school by rickshaw. She was still there preparing breakfast on the street. And now I’ve just realized. Fuck. She lives there. She lives on the street. She would probably be an untouchable, surviving by bagging just staying on that street. But the other day I didn’t even realize she was what we would call an “homeless”, a bagger. She was just a lady. And that’s why I’m so confused about this place. That’s why you fuck me up and you amaze me so much India. I have no more felling such as pity, uncomfortableness, astonishment towards such situations. On one side I’m sad because I feel like a robot. No pity, no pain, no humanity. I can’t forget the face of my mom when she had her first encounter with child bagging her in Delhi, how bad she felt. To me, nothing. On the other side I’m not cathegoryzing those things anymore. I just see the person, if I feel good with him/her, the human.
Conclusion: “I don’t know”. Probably the best sentence to describe this country.